Appearance

I've known since I was a teen that people don't see themselves the same as others do. I saw it watching overweight girls wearing too tight clothing looking in a mirror. They couldn't see how much better they would look in clothes that fit properly.  Then later, when I was doing photo retouching, I would intentionally make people more beautiful than they were, try to see them and make them as they might see themselves. And they never said That doesn't look like me. Not once. 

Then there's me. I've always struggled to See myself. I believed that I was the ugliest girl until I was 14. (It didn't help that I photographed terrible. Way too self conscious!) Even when I knew that I was attractive to others I would still often be surprised by the face in the mirror and photographs. Especially my expressions. 

Now with old age it is even murkier. This is probably true for all of us. (Maybe all of this is?) I have trouble seeing the face I have Now in my mind. I usually see myself much younger and I am startled by the face in the mirror. 

I know my mother always saw herself as beautiful and attractive. Even in her seventies.  Partly because she truly was, but I sensed more. Her skill at applying makeup got bizarre, sometimes she looked down right crazy! but she never saw that. I envy her vision of Self throughout her life. She knew she was beautiful and never lost sight of it. 

I am now old and truly ugly. I Am finally aware of how beautiful I was but know it is gone. I have Not aged gracefully like Mom. All of my trauma and grief is stamped on my face with very little of the joy I have known showing.  It seemed to happen overnight a few years ago. I went from Looks Amazing for Her Age to ten years older in a flash. 

In my dreams I am usually young again but if I am aged I am aged even more than I really am. ? 

I feel badly for Jeremy.  The 20 year difference between us looks even worse than it is now. If I was rich people would easily think he was with me for my money!! But I'm not so he just looks crazy. 😏 

Then I just let it go. Hardly bother dressing let alone dressing up. Makeup seems to make it all worse. I think makeup now looks like I am delusional thinking it makes me young and beautiful.   

I don't get to shine with Inner Beauty like many either. I must be too full of Dark Matter now. I know I had inner beauty but death, sorrow, pain and loss of faith squashed that years ago. 

That is what I hope to reclaim now before I die. It is my only hope to die beautiful!! 

*Wry Smile*