Really Who Am I

I am someone who has never known who I was, someone who always thought I was someone I wasn't,  someone I don't recognize and hate when others describe me. 

Most of my life, I would have claimed that I was a Good Person. Sometimes a good Christian person. 

I thought I was a good mother. I remember always trying to do what was best for my children. 

They ALL remember an abusive tyrant. 

I sang to them all the time when they were little. Read to them at night. Planned outings to parks and lakes.  That is True. 

But that will never be the first thing my girls say about me. 

For years I thought their hatred of me a Teenage Phase of rebellion. They would grow up, have children of their own and See how hard I tried.  

I stopped waiting for them to remember the Mother I thought I was. 

They can't ALL be wrong, so I have to believe that I am wrong. Have always been wrong. 

Then, when they did have their own children and so often left them in my care, I thought that meant they Really did remember I was a good mother. Why else would they trust me with their children??

That still makes no sense to me!!! 

So I now have another generation growing up to hate me. Why did I let this happen?? I have no clue.