The damndest thing

Yes. I love my family. That has always been absolutely true. Would. Will.   do Anything for any of them.  Family is everything.  But mine has always been quick to throw me away.  They are mostly Good People.  I love them! So,  if they are always all throwing me away,  the I MUST BE A SAD EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN.  Right? I know this.  I just can't figure out what I do,  what I am,  that makes me trash to all of them?? I sometimes feel like I can almost grasp it, like it is tantalizingly on the very edge is my mind.  I KNOW there is something seriously WRONG WITH ME.  Otherwise,  that would mean that these wonderful people who I love me than life are just Abusing me.  Shut me out.  Throw me away.  Leave me freezing on a porch in a hospital gown in 18 degree weather just for the hell of it.  Have me held down while they hit me over and over.  Come to my mother's funeral and don't even Speak to me. That is my beloved family.  I left Nebraska at one point,  couldn't take any more. Decided to hate them all right back.  I couldn't keep it up.  I wisely decided that I would return to the Boosom of   my family,  do everything in my power to show them that I love them and will do Anything for them.  I take their hate and just keep living them,  giving to them.  20 more years of this!! And they hate me more than ever.  Chose Jeremy over me.  One of the lowest humans I have ever met.  Everyone one of them has told me for YEARS how terribly he was,  WHY did I insist on forcing them to have him in their lives?? I could have said "Because he was the ONLY one there for me at the peak of All of Your Rejection".  But I didn't say that.  I was under a misguided delusion that if I just kept taking the hits  and loving them that they would see my value. They just hated me more.  So,  I have to conclude that there is really something that is just unbearably wrong about me that I am blind to but that they can all see clearly and agree on.  So,  now I've spent the last few years trying like hell to SEE what it is about me so I can FIX IT. And I couldn't be more in the dark.  More unaware than ever. I've actually tried to ask them. What the hell is it?? They say What are you talking about? I, we, LOVE YOU. But I see their sideways looks.  Hear a murmer of their unspoken explanation.  Feel a murmer of their unspoken explanation.  BUT I STILL DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHY. I've lost the desire to keep living to find out. At this point I'm pretty sure that it must be so terrible that even knowing would just Kill me any way. 

I believe the main feeling when I die will be relief. I once thought that when I died they might realize that I had only lived to take care of them. Yea. Bleeding fool. I'm missing a Huge point,  blind to the horrific mother,  grandmother,  family member that they all despise. I feel like I should apologize for being such a let down. And I feel like telling them all to just go FUCK THEMSELVES for having such hatred for me that they never even told my what I was doing,  saying,  being,  that was so WRONG. Maybe I could have improved? Become a better mother,  grandmother family member if they would have just told me what the hell I have done to deserve their contempt,  hatred,  and abuse. 

4:59 am. Awake with this again.  

Pretty much a huge FUCK THEM ALL. 

Thanks for the love,  guys. 

Funny day and Age

I just read an article about a woman's husband being charged with Rape. They had separated and were living apart at the time.

Made me think of trying to say my estranged husband raped me way back in Texas. They said, "Well, Honey, you are still his wife..."

Funny times.

In 1996 the police came to investigate a "disturbance" at my apartment. The X had forced his way in and beaten me. My glasses were broke in the center, both eyes were black and I had lumps and bruised all over. (Not a mark on him, this was before I started fighting back.) The Pasadena Texas Police officer sighed exaggeratedly and said, "Mam we can't do anything unless he shoots or stabs you. Did that happen?? Well, then we gotta get back out there! Y'all keep it cool, hear?"

I am a fan of #Me To with very few reservations. It has done far more good than harm. These funny incidents were a long time before the MeTo era.

What the hell took it so long??????

I remember severe sexual harassment at work and just everywhere. 

But oh my favorite Funny Story.

My X once beat n3 with a closet pole in the bathroom so I could watch myself die in the mirror.    Any how. 

My next memory is being in a hospital bed, somewhere a south of Houston hospital? Whereever. My then family doctor,  Dr. Spak did my morning rounds. He told me that I had 23 lesions all over my skull

Words to Live By

 Not just my own.

Anger does more damage to the vessel that carries it than to anything it is poured upon.

Never take people who truly love you for granted.

Who would notice?

I watch a lot of true crime shows and it has made me realize that there were many years of my life that if I had disappeared no one would have noticed for a very long time. Is that odd? Maybe partly the day and age? No one's fault. Just the way it was.  For years I could have been a Jane Doe or locked in someone's basement and it's possible that no one would have even reported me "missing". I think that was true for a lot of teenagers in the 60s and 70s but it feels a little strange. 

That's a little true for Jami, too. There have been long periods when I didn't know where or how she was. I've thought about reporting her missing and many, many times I've been afraid she was dead when I didn't hear from or about her for months but also with her I've believed that I knew enough of her associates that someone would call me if something happened to her. My family usually knew nothing about who I might be with and I don't remember ever showing up after months or years and family and friends being glad to see me. Now, that's a little sad. 

Never imagined

 I never really planned for Old Age. I don't think I expected to live to 40. In surprised to be alive and surprised to end up so alone. I only have family in my life. They are plenty and wonderful but I do feel the absence of having friends. I've always pitied Jeremy's lack of friends and now I am the same. I suppose we are friends to each other. Mostly terrible friends. Definitely love/hate friends. 

Jenny was my last Real Friend and I was the one who brutally ended that. Maybe my isolation is my karma. And maybe I should do something to change this situation.  I get up and do what has to be done for the day and then just want to check out, sleep, zone out, ignore the nothingness. Rinse repeat. Day after day passing in a blur.

Useless.  That's the feeling. 

I don't like it. But I don't feel like I'm Done Living. 

Worst of me

....that I still remember.  

The worst thing I can think of right now was hitting Jami when she was 14. I think it was 3 times in the face so hard her cheek bled. Horrific. Yes, we were al living under the stress of discovering about Oran. Yes I reported myself for child abuse. No, nothing could make it better. I can't even stand to look into Jami's mind and heart when this happened. No I could never "make it up" to her. I damaged my damaged daughter. Unexcusable. 

Freshman year of high school I lead a group to torture and beat a girl who no one really liked and I was told she was talking bad about me. Heard it, didn't even know for sure. It was awful. 

I slapped Jess when she was about 15. She had been on a wild rebellion and I was sure in the moment that she had called me a whore, maybe she did. She hated me, had hated me for years and would continue for years. I still don't understand Why. If there is a Why. I just know that slapping her was WRONG. 

I never thought I could be, act, That Wrong. 

Sorrily, i defended both actions at the time. I never said they were right, only that they were somehow provoked. The fact that they were children leaves No Justification.

Covid

 When I first heard the word pandemic I had to look up the meaning to differentiate it from an a epidemic. And I thought No Way. I think my first grasp of the reality was when they closed all of the schools. Then there was Panic. Not just in me but in the whole world. I sent Jeremy out to get all of the things he could that were disappearing from stores. I still don't know why toilet paper was first to go. We bought yeast and flour to be sure we had bread if we ended up shut in our homes and any other basic foods and cleaning supplies we could get. 

A new way of life began and much of it is still with us. A vaccine was rushed to market which we all got except Jess, who refuses. Schools have opened but the fear still hangs over us as mutated versions of the virus emerge. And there is always the threat of a completely different pandemic. It is part of our reality now. Bill Gates warned of this in 2015 and was ignored and his warning was not for just one pandemic but that the country should be preparing for many.