Think Again

We've all seen it on TV if not in real life: The prostitute whose pimp controls her through her drug habit. We shudder and say, "That could never be me, I'm not a prostitute and I don't have a drug habit."
I'm a 57 year old great grandma and I can no longer honestly say that.
There are thousands of people in the world dealing with debilitating, chronic pain. I am one of them. I wake in the morning and my first involuntary thought is Pain. I give thanks for the day, take a morphine, and wait to be able to get out of bed, usually with a full bladder!
I have a Pain Management Doctor, the only one I know of left in Omaha who doesn't try to just put a bandaid on it, and, for all intents and purposes, I am his prostitute. When he says frog I jump because he controls the quality of my life. Without him I wouldn't get out of bed, play with my grandchildren, or have a life and he is one of the things I give thanks for morning and night. Hundreds of doctors have told me to quit smoking. This one only had to say it once because the order came with the threat of reduced pain medication if not its cessation altogether. A good thing, right?
Recently I had the misfortune to make him unhappy, and as I sat and listened to him berate me and even call me stupid, for the first time, I realized that I am now his Ho.
And I hate it. What can I do about it?? I'm researching it, suddenly willing to try anything with any risk that has any promise of ending my need for narcotics and Him.
I may have found an out, if it works I will definitely document it. But what happened to me is still just as wrong, and I started to wonder about all the other Legal Ho' s out there and about all the addicts on the streets who are self medicating and often dealing to support it. And research does back up my claim that they are out there. Right now, I would consider joining them if I weren't so scared of the legal repercussions, which is silly because I would probably be shot first, suspected of being some Granny Narc....
What happened to me was a misunderstanding from a miscommunication, or, at least, a lack of explanation from the doctor, on top of him totally forgetting what my treatment plan has been, compiled by a possible mistake he made that resulted in him calling Me stupid and reducing my pain medication dosage. The pimp  can do that when you displease him. I didn't get slapped around  though that might have been preferred over trying to adjust to living in more pain while in the middle of moving and trying to give the children in my care a Fun summer. I was silent before my accuser, afraid that speaking in my own defense would worsen the punishment.
My husband doesn't even have that kind of power over me!
If you, like me, say you would never prostitute yourself for drugs, pray you never need them! and Think Again.

ROBBED

It started last May. I decided to move in with my daughter to help pay the bills for a while and put my belongings in storage. I was going to rent a storage unit but, after my soon to be ex-son-in-law Rob Belk told me that he was broke and had just moved into a house with his girlfriend Tiffany Jones, I told him that I would pay him to store my things in his garage. Rob had confessed to me a few months before that he had been using Meth with Tiffany for a year but that they quit and were trying to start over. (Yea, I know.) I have always helped Rob since he was about 16. He moved in with us and we always let him use the basement for weekly band practice. I even loaned him $2,200.00 to buy a mixing board that he never even tried to pay back. But I wanted him to overcome and do well since he is the father of three of my grandchildren.
Pretty sure he never really stopped doing meth... A couple of weeks after I stored our things there I called him to talk to him about visitation with his kids. He just started screaming, yelling, cussing at me about not getting to see his children enough. I taped the conversation. You can hear me on the tape over and over trying to tell him he would get standard visitation but he keeps yelling over me all through it. At one point he says something about me not knowing how lucky I am that he let me rent his garage! That made me nervous. We rented a storage unit and a Uhaul and went to get out things. They wouldn't answer the door. I was sitting out side texting him and then Tiff called and said he wasn't there (but she knew everything I had texted him) and she refused to open the door. I called the police. They said that they couldn't d anything but they knocked on the door and got Tiff to answer. She told them she wouldn't let us get our things because she didn't know what was ours. The officers tried to reason with her but she was clearly tweeked out and just got more and  aggravated. The police told us that it was a civil matter unless we had proof that they were damaging or selling our belongings.
We gave up for the day but went back about a week later, this time without a Uhaul, and tried again. No one answered the door again so we gave up again and got pulled over as we were leaving.Rob had called the police. The officer said that Rob told them Jeremy was Tiff's ex and that she had a protection order and that he had tried to break into their house!!! We explained and the officers went back to the house and banged on the doors and windows, I don't think they were very happy about being lied to, but they got no response and ended up telling us the same thing the first officers had, that it was still a civil case.
We wait. His landlord tells us that they have never paid rent and are going to be evicted soon. We wait. Then one morning we found a  few boxes of our things on the porch here with a note from Rob. We all gather to read it, and it was a nauseating piece of work!! Jeanette has the same landlord as them, Mike
Royce. We had told him what was going on. He told us that they hadn't paid any rent since moving in and that he couldn't legally enter the house either. I did hope that he would be of some assistance, and he was, but he swure could have done more than he did!! right after Rob dropped of the few boxes Royce stopped by and told us that he had gone by the house the day before, or maybe the day before that, and that Rob was having a big moving sale. Royce had taken pictures and showed us that the garage had been empty in the pictures. Now, here is my beef with Mike Royce. IF he had bothered to tell us what was going on over there maybe we could have saved our belongings. Royce Knew we had stored everything there!!!! But he got his Karma in this, too... We went in a window and checked out the garage. It was a nightmare. All that was left were some toys in their bag still. what little else was there was strewn all over the place. Aside from years of files, I have kept the kids drawings and stories and school papers and reports since mine were in elementary. they had been packed in boxes. the paperers were wadded and scattered all over in a pool of oil on the floor soaked in what smelled a hellova lot like Piss. I had over a hundred hardback books, more paperbacks, all in the same oil and piss. Of course all of our furniture and appliances were gone, expected that before we got in, didn't hope to fined anything of value, but the hard thing was the senseless destruction of our personal things, our children's things. There was a pile of broken picture frames and the floor was thickly covered with broken, ground, glass from our picture frames. No pictures. Al of all of our winter clothes, gone. The little price tag stickers laying all over the place were a pisser but the real PISSER were the tags that we found that said "FREEE"!!! That isn't desperate for money. Like the destruction of our personal things,that is pure evil black hearted bullshit. Can't hit that period key hard enough!! What finally broke me was finding my dead mother's purse in a pile of trash. I kept everything in it just like it was when she died, including all of her ID, except I added my deceased brother's ID to it. It was empty. I've only heard the expression to "keen" in grief, now I have done it. And Keening turned into screaming, insane with grief and anger, and, I admit, pure hatred for Rob. I don't even remember Jeremy getting me out of there and home. I didn't sleep for days. I prayed for my soul and fought the deepest hatred I have ever felt in my life. And I have been through a lot in my 55 years!
It took a WHILE to be able to even think about anything else. Friends prayed for me and some prayed for Rob's death. So did I.
We went into the house with Mike Royce two days later when he had legal access to his house. Here was his comeuppance for not being decent enough to tell us Rob was having his sale. Not only was there plenty of damage to the house, but Rob had also sold the appliances that went with the house.
Now. Here is another big PISSER. We might have tried more forceful tactics to get our things before rob's sale, but we were relying on what the officers on call had all told us, That if Rob damaged, used, or stole our things that it would then become a criminal offence and we could press charges. NOT TRUE. We did our own detective work, found out where Rob went and where he had likely rented storage and might possibly still have  some of our things, but when I called to file the report the detective apologized that the officers on call had all misinformed us, that it was all still a civil suit!!!! Nothing like having someone steal everything you own and being able to do nothing to them for it. Oh, yea, we can file in civil court for money he will very likely never have. And even to do that, it will cost us about $80.00 to go through the process. I'll still do it some day if he lives long enough, which I am getting more and more doubtful that he will.
Royce did a little checking on Rob himself. found out who he sold his fridge to, for a whopping $10., and also ran into some bad, angry, people who are also hunting for him.
Then two days ago a little Karma for Rob and Tiff came in the form of a text from Tiff.
Rob's girlfriend sent Jeanette the following Text at 5:00 am yesterday:
"I want to apologize for everything u went thru when Rob and  I were dating. I am disgusted by who he really is but does great at hiding. I just caught him giving a blow job for dope apparently. I want to puke. No wonder he is so abusive, hes got some major issues inside. Eww. Again so sorry. So sorry.What is worse is of course I am knocked up & I don't even know who this man really is. He is lie upon lie..."
We all believe her, knowing how desperate Rob has been for dope money, knowing Rob. So glad I didn't dirty my hands trying to do them harm for doing me so wrong!! The life that led them to do it will lead them to all of their Karma. their hell.
I really have been so upset that I have felt like I was the evil one for harboring such hatred, anger, and disgust. But today I have hope for myself. Lat night when I bowed my head to pray, with no forethought, all that came out of my heart was, "Dear God! Please help them!" and as that poured out I finally felt purged of all the darkness.
Amen.
2020
Funny,Rob and Tiff are 2 of my favorite people in the world now! They have been clean for years. I'm more proud of them for that than I can say,they are better people than those whenever used drugs. Most people never really have to walk through fire but those who do and come out are one step ahead. Many steps ahead from the rest of us.

Long Time Since I Was Here

I have neglected this and all of my blogs for most of the last year while I played taxi driver for everyone around me but the load has lightened so maybe I can get back to this. I have kept up with my journal site off and on but have been censored there under threat of excommunication by a sort of family member for writing what I think about events in the past that belong her in My Little Shop Of Horrors so I will go back to writing stories about my life in here and leave the journal just an accounting of everyday life.
There are so many stories I want to put in here!!! I have several saved in my Scribe Fire that are waiting completion to be added here. I want to tell the stories about my children, my mother, my brother Herbert, and other family members I remember who are gone now but I want my children adn grandchildren to know. I also want to share the things I have been through dealing with my oldest daughter's addiction to drugs, Jeremy's battle with Epilepsy and the prejudices he faces, and just all the little tidbits that make up my life. My history.
Be back soon. :-) Rhoda

Darkness

for Rizzo
A man once was eating
figs in his dark tent,
Enjoying each one
Thinking his money well spent.
Then he lit his lamp
And looked at his loot,
And saw worms all over
His wonderful fruit.
He remembered how tasty
They were before he knew
So he blew out the lamp
Until he was through.

Good Days of Fall

We've been having some beautiful fall weather and I have been in a great mood most of the time lately. I haven't heard back from Uncle Paul again and of course I believe it is because he talked to Mike or has something to do with Mike but at least I got a response from him and that will do until I die. It is more than I ever thought I would get from the Kiser family.
I have been having a lot of fun staying with Jenise and Robbie Monday through Thursday. The three of us have bonded nicely and we have a lot of fun together. Jessalynn has been troubled lately and I'm not sure if it is school or her relationship with Patrick or both or neither but I hope she gets better soon. She has been wetting the bed and sometimes refusing to leave Mommy to go to school, she was late twice this week, but there is no school for the next four days so maybe I can get in her head a little bit. The school counselor has been alerted and is also on it so maybe this will resolve soon.
I've made a new friend through email. It started as an accident. I was trying to find a guy who ripped off Jami and sent emails to addresses he has emailed me from and one of them was his mother and we have been emailing ever since. It is interesting to see how this will go with our religious differences. I think it might surprise everyone and not be a problem with us even though she is Morman and I am what I am. Just a lone Bible thumper with an attitude about organized religion.
Jeremy is working at Marianna and didn't like it at first but is getting to like it better especially since they are giving him overtime and certifying him on the forklift which will triple his employability.
I thought about going back to work at a check cashing place but, after taking note of everyone else's opinion, I've decided it just isn't the right time yet to get off of disability. I still have too many unresolved medical problems and likely couldn't be a reliable employee yet plus I am still just beginning therapy for my rage issues and such. Add to that how many people count on me not working right now and it just isn't time yet. But someday soon, maybe within a year, I hope to be ready and able to go back to work and be a viable part of society.
Jessica is job hunting and I think is close to landing a job. She is getting discouraged with the hunt but has an interview at Holiday Inn tomorrow that is a job she wants and she is also thinking about the job at the check cashing place I was thinking about going to work at.
Jami and Kirk are doing OK although they have a frightening amount of money out in delay deposit checks. And they still don't budget for things like food to last from paycheck to paycheck. They still have the monkey on their back but I still have hope that they will beat it eventually.
Jeanette, Jessica and I are planning to take the kids trick or treating together which will be a first. In fact, I don't think we've done anything together except Jeanette's wedding since they grew up.
Gotta fly now and take Jeremy to work. See ya.

Maybe the Last Warm Day

It is supposed to be clear and warm today and then get much colder. I think this could be the beginning of winter here. I just picked Jeremy up from work and hope we can get out and go to the lake or something later when he gets up to celebrate.
I went to see Dr. Gold yesterday and passed my piss test adn got put back on my pain meds so I feel much better. Sure was a long month!!!!!
Alicia caught a mouse this morning. She kept playing with it so I finally killed it and put it out in the trash. I'm glad she is a good mouser because I hear them trying to get into the house already and when this cold spell hits they will be here with their little suitcases.

Psych Meds

I've never thought much about phsych meds. I remember the days when it was all valium, elavil, triavil, lithium, and thorazine. Then the new meds came out. The ones that effect the seratonin uptake in the brain like Prozac. I saw first hand what a person who absolutely shouldn't take prozac was like. My ex was prescribed it and became a completely different person out chasing 19 year olds and masturbating constantly. Then I got talked into trying Paxil, the less evil cousin of Prozac. It was advertised as non-addictive and safe. I noticed good things at first. I became more organized in my thinking and a little less depressed. Then I tried to stop taking it. Whenever I skipped a dose it would feel like I was getting electric shocks through my head that actually hurt. I called the company and they acted like they had never heard of such a thing. Then later I got online and found many, many, others with the same problem. Then I noticed they quit saying it was non-addictive in their commercials. Now I don't see any commercials for it. I got a doctor to switch me to another newer cousin of Paxil called Effexor and I am still stuck taking it. Not for depression, but to stop the horrible withdrawal. My current doctor is planning to find a way to wean me off but it is slow going.
On a better note for psych meds, now they are making many of them that also control pain. I am taking one for bipolar disorder that keeps me on an even keel but I have no clue yet what will happen if I ever want off of it. I do believe it is helping with the pain I live with, too, as I can take less Morphine than I used to to get by. I'm taking Abilify, don't you love the cutesy names they come up with!! At least I'm not gaining weight on this one. Almost all of the others have put weight on me, number one for that being Zyprexa, the makers of whom are in lawsuits for various side effects as are many psych drugs. Who knows. Abilify might be the next class action law suit for making people sit up at night and write blogs...
I do know that I was very much more depressed before starting the Abilify BUT I still wonder about taking it because, truthfully, I live a pretty depressing life. Have lived a depressing life. Only an idiot of someone on drugs would be happy with what I've been through and am going through right now. I take the meds to enjoy what I can of the few good things in my life. I have the love of my children, grandchildren, and a good man. I also have been disowned by a large family for false reasons and am poor and disabled and have a daughter who is junkie with all the problems that entails for the family. My faith in God and an afterlife is shaky and I don't believe in human beings at all. I'm too old and sick now to reach most of my life dreams and I know it.
So..... I take the little blue pills that stop the drying and give me the facade at least of a happy person. Ain't life funny.