Yes. I love my family. That has always been absolutely true. Would. Will. do Anything for any of them. Family is everything. But mine has always been quick to throw me away. They are mostly Good People. I love them! So, if they are always all throwing me away, the I MUST BE A SAD EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN. Right? I know this. I just can't figure out what I do, what I am, that makes me trash to all of them?? I sometimes feel like I can almost grasp it, like it is tantalizingly on the very edge is my mind. I KNOW there is something seriously WRONG WITH ME. Otherwise, that would mean that these wonderful people who I love me than life are just Abusing me. Shut me out. Throw me away. Leave me freezing on a porch in a hospital gown in 18 degree weather just for the hell of it. Have me held down while they hit me over and over. Come to my mother's funeral and don't even Speak to me. That is my beloved family. I left Nebraska at one point, couldn't take any more. Decided to hate them all right back. I couldn't keep it up. I wisely decided that I would return to the Boosom of my family, do everything in my power to show them that I love them and will do Anything for them. I take their hate and just keep living them, giving to them. 20 more years of this!! And they hate me more than ever. Chose Jeremy over me. One of the lowest humans I have ever met. Everyone one of them has told me for YEARS how terribly he was, WHY did I insist on forcing them to have him in their lives?? I could have said "Because he was the ONLY one there for me at the peak of All of Your Rejection". But I didn't say that. I was under a misguided delusion that if I just kept taking the hits and loving them that they would see my value. They just hated me more. So, I have to conclude that there is really something that is just unbearably wrong about me that I am blind to but that they can all see clearly and agree on. So, now I've spent the last few years trying like hell to SEE what it is about me so I can FIX IT. And I couldn't be more in the dark. More unaware than ever. I've actually tried to ask them. What the hell is it?? They say What are you talking about? I, we, LOVE YOU. But I see their sideways looks. Hear a murmer of their unspoken explanation. Feel a murmer of their unspoken explanation. BUT I STILL DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHY. I've lost the desire to keep living to find out. At this point I'm pretty sure that it must be so terrible that even knowing would just Kill me any way.
I believe the main feeling when I die will be relief. I once thought that when I died they might realize that I had only lived to take care of them. Yea. Bleeding fool. I'm missing a Huge point, blind to the horrific mother, grandmother, family member that they all despise. I feel like I should apologize for being such a let down. And I feel like telling them all to just go FUCK THEMSELVES for having such hatred for me that they never even told my what I was doing, saying, being, that was so WRONG. Maybe I could have improved? Become a better mother, grandmother family member if they would have just told me what the hell I have done to deserve their contempt, hatred, and abuse.
4:59 am. Awake with this again.
Pretty much a huge FUCK THEM ALL.
Thanks for the love, guys.
