Darkness

for Rizzo
A man once was eating
figs in his dark tent,
Enjoying each one
Thinking his money well spent.
Then he lit his lamp
And looked at his loot,
And saw worms all over
His wonderful fruit.
He remembered how tasty
They were before he knew
So he blew out the lamp
Until he was through.

Good Days of Fall

We've been having some beautiful fall weather and I have been in a great mood most of the time lately. I haven't heard back from Uncle Paul again and of course I believe it is because he talked to Mike or has something to do with Mike but at least I got a response from him and that will do until I die. It is more than I ever thought I would get from the Kiser family.
I have been having a lot of fun staying with Jenise and Robbie Monday through Thursday. The three of us have bonded nicely and we have a lot of fun together. Jessalynn has been troubled lately and I'm not sure if it is school or her relationship with Patrick or both or neither but I hope she gets better soon. She has been wetting the bed and sometimes refusing to leave Mommy to go to school, she was late twice this week, but there is no school for the next four days so maybe I can get in her head a little bit. The school counselor has been alerted and is also on it so maybe this will resolve soon.
I've made a new friend through email. It started as an accident. I was trying to find a guy who ripped off Jami and sent emails to addresses he has emailed me from and one of them was his mother and we have been emailing ever since. It is interesting to see how this will go with our religious differences. I think it might surprise everyone and not be a problem with us even though she is Morman and I am what I am. Just a lone Bible thumper with an attitude about organized religion.
Jeremy is working at Marianna and didn't like it at first but is getting to like it better especially since they are giving him overtime and certifying him on the forklift which will triple his employability.
I thought about going back to work at a check cashing place but, after taking note of everyone else's opinion, I've decided it just isn't the right time yet to get off of disability. I still have too many unresolved medical problems and likely couldn't be a reliable employee yet plus I am still just beginning therapy for my rage issues and such. Add to that how many people count on me not working right now and it just isn't time yet. But someday soon, maybe within a year, I hope to be ready and able to go back to work and be a viable part of society.
Jessica is job hunting and I think is close to landing a job. She is getting discouraged with the hunt but has an interview at Holiday Inn tomorrow that is a job she wants and she is also thinking about the job at the check cashing place I was thinking about going to work at.
Jami and Kirk are doing OK although they have a frightening amount of money out in delay deposit checks. And they still don't budget for things like food to last from paycheck to paycheck. They still have the monkey on their back but I still have hope that they will beat it eventually.
Jeanette, Jessica and I are planning to take the kids trick or treating together which will be a first. In fact, I don't think we've done anything together except Jeanette's wedding since they grew up.
Gotta fly now and take Jeremy to work. See ya.

Maybe the Last Warm Day

It is supposed to be clear and warm today and then get much colder. I think this could be the beginning of winter here. I just picked Jeremy up from work and hope we can get out and go to the lake or something later when he gets up to celebrate.
I went to see Dr. Gold yesterday and passed my piss test adn got put back on my pain meds so I feel much better. Sure was a long month!!!!!
Alicia caught a mouse this morning. She kept playing with it so I finally killed it and put it out in the trash. I'm glad she is a good mouser because I hear them trying to get into the house already and when this cold spell hits they will be here with their little suitcases.

Psych Meds

I've never thought much about phsych meds. I remember the days when it was all valium, elavil, triavil, lithium, and thorazine. Then the new meds came out. The ones that effect the seratonin uptake in the brain like Prozac. I saw first hand what a person who absolutely shouldn't take prozac was like. My ex was prescribed it and became a completely different person out chasing 19 year olds and masturbating constantly. Then I got talked into trying Paxil, the less evil cousin of Prozac. It was advertised as non-addictive and safe. I noticed good things at first. I became more organized in my thinking and a little less depressed. Then I tried to stop taking it. Whenever I skipped a dose it would feel like I was getting electric shocks through my head that actually hurt. I called the company and they acted like they had never heard of such a thing. Then later I got online and found many, many, others with the same problem. Then I noticed they quit saying it was non-addictive in their commercials. Now I don't see any commercials for it. I got a doctor to switch me to another newer cousin of Paxil called Effexor and I am still stuck taking it. Not for depression, but to stop the horrible withdrawal. My current doctor is planning to find a way to wean me off but it is slow going.
On a better note for psych meds, now they are making many of them that also control pain. I am taking one for bipolar disorder that keeps me on an even keel but I have no clue yet what will happen if I ever want off of it. I do believe it is helping with the pain I live with, too, as I can take less Morphine than I used to to get by. I'm taking Abilify, don't you love the cutesy names they come up with!! At least I'm not gaining weight on this one. Almost all of the others have put weight on me, number one for that being Zyprexa, the makers of whom are in lawsuits for various side effects as are many psych drugs. Who knows. Abilify might be the next class action law suit for making people sit up at night and write blogs...
I do know that I was very much more depressed before starting the Abilify BUT I still wonder about taking it because, truthfully, I live a pretty depressing life. Have lived a depressing life. Only an idiot of someone on drugs would be happy with what I've been through and am going through right now. I take the meds to enjoy what I can of the few good things in my life. I have the love of my children, grandchildren, and a good man. I also have been disowned by a large family for false reasons and am poor and disabled and have a daughter who is junkie with all the problems that entails for the family. My faith in God and an afterlife is shaky and I don't believe in human beings at all. I'm too old and sick now to reach most of my life dreams and I know it.
So..... I take the little blue pills that stop the drying and give me the facade at least of a happy person. Ain't life funny.

The Missing Muse

I stopped writing when I was sick over the summer and mu Muse won't come home now. I have some hope that if I just start writing about it she will come back. Without my Muse my writing is flat and without a real voice or anything to say. It's just me sitting here writing the nonsense in my head.. or is that what I always do??
My main battle right now is still the addiction of my daughter. I went through another time of her being in jail, this time for thirty days, and went through the pain of seeing her off of drugs and clear while in there and then back to her being on drugs and losing the bloom she was getting even in jail from being off of drugs. I wish I had the magic to just make this nightmare end. Only she holds that wand and I'm not sure even she can wave it the right way any more. If she had a magic wand she would likely just create more heroin with it right now. It totally mystifies me that she and women like her can and do choose drugs over their own children. Her daughters are growing up without a mother and she without them and the oldest is twelve and very, very, hurt and bitter. The oldest lives in Florida and the younger two in Minnesota so I can't even see them either right now. I do talk to all of them on the phone whenever I can and it all just breaks my heart. I could go on a spree of busting all of the drug dealers I know of but it's done no good in the past and will just likely get me killed someday.
I'm depressing. No wonder my muse is hiding. If anyone sees her please send her please send her home and I will try to be more upbeat!!!!!